A-w-k-w-a-r-d.

It's simple, either you're an awkward person or you're not. It's clean, linear and without any shades of grey.

I am an awkward person.


Scenario 1:

I'm clocking off work. My boss, the man who owns the company and signs my paychecks is sitting with the captain, the man who tells me what needs to get done. They are talking, in a way that two working-men would. There's cussing involved, utterances of engines and fixing mechanical problems while sipping on beer (don't ask). I don't know what to say but I know its rude to just leave without saying goodnight. I mean, this guy does fund my rent and food.

As I'm walking away I say, "Don't stay too late and don't come to early."
I realize my mistake.
The heavy sexual undertones.
My cheeks turn bright red.
There's an awkward pause.
I don't stop.
I walk and walk and walk.

An un-awkward person wouldn't do that.

Scenario 2
As people are boarding the boat in Canada, a man, whom has already boarded and sat down, comes up to my co-worker and I on the dock.
"Excuse me..."
"...yeh." (I'm tired)
"The flag on the back of the boat is all tangled. You should probably show some respect and untangle the flag. I think it needs to be done. It doesn't look right."

"mm hmm"
"Can you do that...now? I don't like looking at it like this. It's disrespectful"
Note:
I love America.
I love the fact that I can overindulge in toothpaste choices at Fred Meyer and buy a hotdog for a 1.50 at Costco.
I love the fact that someday, I can pay someone to move all my materialistic shit I will inevitably consume in my lifetime and put it in neat little boxes.
These things are wonderful. I. Love. America.

however, I don't give a flying fuck about the wind tangling up a flag off the back of the boat. No matter what I do, the wind is going to blow and tangle the flag. I cannot stop the wind. Only the God that our one nation is under can untangle it.

My co-worker sees my obvious reaction and fixes it herself.
When she comes back I mutter, "Sorry Sir, your America penis isn't erect anymore because your fucking Viagra isn't working. Maybe he should worry about untangling that mess in his pants..."
We pause.
I'm pretty sure he heard me.
The rest of the night he couldn't look me in the eye.

Yes, I am an asshole. and yes, I do love America.
And, most importantly, Yes, you might have guess correctly, sometimes I am awkward and wildly inappropriate.